I had breakfast yesterday morning with a dear friend.  He has been in a difficult chapter in his life, too.  It’s not the “misery loves company” thing; rather, it is the bear one another’s burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ.  The law of Christ is the law of love.
     I love this brother deeply.  We are alike in some ways and far different in others. 
     One of the ways in which we are alike is that we would rather be givers than receivers.  We fight over who will pay the check at the restaurant.
     A couple of years ago I sent this brother a gift because the Lord impressed on me to do so and because I really wasn’t sure how the difficult chapter would play out with his family’s finances.
     My gift to him was never cashed, at least at the bank.
     For two years that gift sat on his desk as a daily reminder of two major things in his life.  1.) My love for him.  2.) More importantly, that God would meet his family’s needs.
     As he shared with me what that gift has meant to him, tears streamed down his face.  I must admit that there was this lump in my throat that felt like the size of a golf ball.
     The knowledge of what that gift represented in his life was far greater than the amount of the gift.  Its value could never be measured in dollars or cents.
     Very early in this cancer chapter in my life I shared that God has allowed this illness to teach me something that He couldn’t in any other way.
     One of the things that God is teaching me is the need to learn to be a better receiver.  As I have shared, that is really difficult for me, just as it is for this friend.
I received a gift in the mail last week from someone I have loved most of my life, but far more deeply in recent years.  Financially I am far better off than this person.  It is hard to receive when I ought to be the one giving. 
     Yesterday morning as I sat there listening to my brother, the Lord spoke to me quite clearly.  It isn’t about who is in a better position to give.  It’s about who has the need to express love, just like I did with this brother.
     Don’t expect a 180-degree turnaround.  Can a leopard change its spots?  No.   But God can change a man’s heart.
     God is doing that in lots of way through this illness.
     This morning I am resending the gift I had sent to him two years ago.  It is being given to a ministry that is close to his heart. 
     Giving can be such a great blessing.  Lord, help me to continue to learn that—from both ends of giving and receiving.

     Over the weekend I received in the mail the first major batch of invoices for the medical treatments.  It is hard to find the right words to describe how I felt. 
     The first number that caught my attention was the cost of one of the chemotherapy infusions.  The approved charge was for over 100K.  For one treatment.
      My “numbers focused” brain kicked into high gear.  I quickly counted the number of treatments I have had and multiplied that by 100.
     Hum.  I don’t think I would be worth that amount if I was kidnapped for ransom. 
     Daybreak could hire two pastors to take my place for the cost of just one treatment.  Our business could replace me with two people for the cost of one treatment. 
     What is the value of a life?  To some not very much when we see the abortion rate.  To some not very much.  We grieve over the statistics of teenagers shooting other teens.
     To others life is very precious.  What some people wouldn’t give for a few more minutes with a loved one.
     How much would Teresa and I be willing to spend for my medical treatments? 
I hit the pool as I was pondering what my life might be worth.  I must admit that I swam my laps a bit more intensely, figuring that if I was worth that much, I ought to make the most of it.
     Later that evening I returned to the invoices with more than a glancing gaze.
     The charge for one chemotherapy treatment was over 100K.   The approved amount was the same.  What was accepted and what was paid for each treatment was less than 10K.
     I think I felt better when I realized that!
     In the back of my mind in all of this pondering over the cost of the medical treatments was what I am worth, what are any of us worth?
More importantly, what is my soul worth?
     Jesus said that it was a bad deal to trade the world for your own soul.  What does it profit a person to gain the whole world and lose his own soul?
       What is my soul worth to God?  Peter writes that we were redeemed with the precious blood of Jesus.  That is the value of one soul to God.  The precious blood of God’s One and Only Son.
     How can this be, that you my God would die for me?

     I’ve been rather pointed that I have my mother’s DNA when it comes to wanting to be the giver rather than the receiver.  These last several months have taught me considerably about that and continue to do so.
     I have received lots of different gifts over the years.  Some of them from childhood I can still remember.  Most from my adult life I don’t remember. 
     People’s expressions of love during these last seven months have been overwhelming. 
     A call, a text, a card, or an email at just the right time.
     Monetary gifts that have blessed us though we don’t deserve them.
     Only heaven knows of the gifts of prayer.
     Two of you have given part of your lives to travel to or from Rochester.  Two more of you plan to bring Teresa when she needs to come before the transplant.
     We have specific reminders sitting around our house of the support we have received in this.
     However, this week I received a gift that did something that no other gift has been able to do.  It left me speechless.
     We opened a package from Teresa’s first cousin, Pam.  We have had a relationship with Pam over the years.  She’s a great heart as is evident by the gift she sent me.  She started watching Daybreak worship online during Covid and we felt more connected with her.
     I opened the package and it was a handmaid quilt, a fishing quilt, if you will.  She knew of my love for fishing for fish, but an even greater love to be fishing for souls.
     The front part of the quilt has patterns of fish.  Sewn on the back are scripture verses.  Here’s a few of them:
 
     “Be still and know that I am God.” Psalm 46:10
     “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”  Joshua 1:9
     “The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me.  My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him.”  Psalm 28:7

     My grandmothers were quilters.  I watched them work on quilts for what seemed like forever when I was a boy.
     I know it had to take Pam weeks to complete this gift.  I still don’t have the words to express what her gift of love means to Teresa and me.   
     I have lots of fish related stuff.  The fish quilt tops them all.
     The next question is, “What do I do with the quilt?”  Do I hang it on the wall as a constant reminder of how much we are loved, not just by Pam, but by so many others? 
     Or do I take it with us when we head to Rochester for the transplant?  All kids in crisis need a blanket which they can hold!
     Honestly, I am beginning to feel some of the weight of the looming transplant.  There is something about seeing the schedule in black and white that brings to reality what lies ahead.
     Pam’s note in the card that came with the quilt said, “I wanted to make something that is a physical item that can represent the prayers that cover you and Teresa during this time.” 
     That quilt might just find a spot in the car when I head to Rochester.  It will remind me that we are being covered in prayer.
     Paul calls Jesus the indescribable gift in his letter to the Corinthians.   That Jesus is.  How can we describe the love that God has for us by sending His Son into this world to die on the Cross at Calvary.
      We can’t. 
      I can’t even describe the love so many of you have for us. 

     After two rather difficult days, yesterday was a blessing.
     Scott, six youth, and I spent the day at Taylorsville Lake. 
     I have had a ski boat or a boat that could be used for skiing since I was in college except for about the last several years. Our Ebbtide died and I chose not to buy another one.
     I have enjoyed taking kids to the lake over the years.  I realized yesterday that I had missed taking a generation of Daybreak Youth to the lake.  That realization hurt.
     Beyond my sheer joy of being on the lake.  And beyond the joy I get when I see the smiles on their faces when they are having fun doing something that they may never have done before. 
     There is something that happens when I spend the day with the kids that may never happen in any other circumstance.  Maybe it is just in my mind, but I don’t think so.  The relationship I have with them changes.  I am seen as a real person, not just the pastor.  I felt that yesterday, especially with some kids with whom I have had a limited involvement. 
     I was more than zonked by the time I got home.  I plopped down for supper and told Teresa that I wasn’t going to swim.
     Because of the weather I didn’t swim on Tuesday for the first time in three weeks.  Last night the weather report for today was for rain and in the evening I had something tentatively scheduled.
     If I didn’t swim last evening then I might not swim for three days in a row.  I heard this temptation that said, “If you go three days without getting exercise, you might as well throw in the towel.
     After supper Teresa looked up and saw me heading for the pool.  It was one of those times that I really didn’t want to swim, but I knew I needed to do so.
     We are all confronted with decisions when we can choose to do the right thing or choose to yield to the temptation to throw in the towel.  They may seem like small decisions at the time, but they may be crucial.
     May I do the right thing today.

     It has been a while since I have had two blogs on the same day.  I guess it’s not like it is required reading.  Writing helps me cope.  I guess today I needed help coping.  For some reason it has been one of the more difficult days.  Thanks for reading two in one day.
     This morning’s treatment started with a blessing and a curse.  Well, maybe not a curse, but Biblically a curse is the opposite of blessing.
     We’ve noted before that everyone who has a hand in the treatment matters.  Joe is one of those people.
     As I stood in line to check in this morning, I felt a tap on my shoulder.  It was Joe as he was heading into the Cancer Center.   He greeted me and I him by name.  I was lifted by his caring heart. 
     Joe volunteers on Tuesdays at the Cancer Center.  He’s about my age and full of encouragement.  As I am heading to the treatment area the staff usually asks me if I need anything.  Joe no longer asks.   On Tuesdays he brings me two small cups of peanut butter, two small packs of graham crackers, and a pint size bottle of water.  He did this morning. What people do matters in the lives of others.
     The curse was that I had to have blood drawn when I didn’t think I would today.  I am well acquainted with the nurse because she has taken care of me several times.  She is a very good nurse.
     Somehow when she took my vitals I sensed that she wasn’t quite on her game.  I was right.  It took a stick in both arms and lots of “seeking to find” before she finally located a vein.  I could tell she felt bad about it.
     After the treatment I had both arms bandaged as I was ready to leave.  I thought about leaving on the bandages and the hospital ID bracelet for the day.   All of us need a little sympathy from time to time!
     I decided to try to be a bit more like Joe.  I took off the bandages before leaving the pod where I had been treated.  Only the nurse and I that knew I had been stuck twice. 
Whose life could I impact today with the caring love of Jesus?  Maybe what I do today will matter to someone like Joe mattered to me.  WWJD has a nice ring to it.  What would Joe do or what would Jesus do?  Take your pick.  I think they would be one and the same.
       This afternoon I got a call from an angel.   No joke.  A real angel.  I couldn’t tell if she had wings or not, but she had a sweet disposition. 
       I spoke with Angel yesterday but I didn’t catch that her name was Angel.  She is on the Stem Cell Appointment team.  If I speak with her again I might ask if Angel was her given name at birth or if it was given to her because of who she is.
       Initially I was scheduled to begin the testing phase on a Friday, which meant I would be away three days longer and that I wouldn’t be here to preach on that Sunday.
       She pulled some strings and then called me to let me know that my first test would be on a Monday instead.
       I have found in 20 years of going to Mayo Clinic that the appointment secretaries are the people who have the power.   She convinced the doctor to see me on a day when he had no other appointments.  Maybe only an angel could pull that off.
       What people do matters in the lives of others.  Angel gave me three days of life to enjoy at home before I will head to Rochester.
       I am pretty sure I didn’t make nearly that difference in someone's life today.  Maybe there will be an open door tomorrow.

     I have some new information from Mayo Clinic.   Here’s the plan at the moment.  It is still up for change.
     I am scheduled to return to Mayo near the end of August.  I will have testing for three days to determine if I am a healthy enough candidate for the stem cell transplant.  On the fourth day I am to meet with the physician in charge of the transplant to get the news.
     If I am deemed a candidate, for the next four days I will be given an injection to stimulate the cells in the bone marrow to move into the bloodstream.  This is much better than the old “bone marrow transplant” though the results will hopefully be the same.  Instead of harvesting the cells from the bone marrow, which is terribly painful, the cells are harvested from the blood.
     The next three days the cells will be harvested from my blood.  The procedure is similar to dialysis, except the cells are harvested rather than the blood being cleansed like in dialysis.  Enough cells will be harvested for two transplants in case the first one doesn’t work or for some time down the road.   The cells are frozen and kept until the transplant.
     After the cells are harvested I am to meet with the doctor in charge a second time.  After a rest day I will be given the large dose of chemotherapy followed by another rest day.  Then the stem cell transplant will be done.
     If all goes as planned, the transplant should be about the middle of September.
     We have been told that the roughest days are likely to be the fifth to the fifteenth days after the chemotherapy. 
     If there are no complications we would hopefully return home sometime after the first of October.
     I am not sure I can put into words my feelings about all of this.  As I said in an earlier blog, we do what we have to do for a better shot at living.
     I will say that the sweet peace of Jesus continues in my heart.   We can have peace about circumstances that we’d just as soon avoid.   Somehow I think Jesus felt that about the Cross.

     Teresa and I were youth pastors at the first church that we served, a large church in Ashland. 
     God has special seasons.  Those four years were one of those.  Many young people came to know Jesus. 
     Many of them were willing to meet before school once a week at what we called “Digging Deeper.”  They became disciples of our Lord.
     Some of those kids answered the call to the ministry.  Some of them became people of influence.  Many of them became servants.
     One of those servants showed up yesterday at church to see us.  Words are hard to find to describe what that meant to me.
     Kelley was a blessing when she was a youth and an even greater blessing now. 
     Not long after we left Ashland we received the tragic news that her mother had died of a heart attack while playing tennis.  Kelley was still in high school.  Somehow the grace of God was enough to sustain her during that dark time in her life.
     We had lunch after church.  The time with her passed so quickly as we caught up on her life and we shared what was going on in ours.
     As we were about to leave Kelley prayed for me.  Lots of folks have been praying for me over the last several months.   Most of those prayers I haven’t heard.  If they are in any way like the prayer she prayed for me, then the Father is taking notice.
     Ministry has its share of struggles and blessings.  One of the blessings is to see someone in whom you invested part of your life become a Godly woman in every sense of the word. 
     That blessing was compounded when we learned that one of Kelley’s daughters is in ministry.  The realm of influence touched a second generation.
      Teresa and I have been blessed over the years to see men and women and young people become disciples of Jesus.  We never have been the charismatic leaders who draw a crowd.  But we have tried to be faithful to His calling on our lives.
     Investing your life in the lives of others is the best investment you can make.  That is the investment that stores up treasures in heaven.
     And sometimes you get to enjoy some of that treasure while still on the earth.   We did yesterday.

     I have been trying to swim every day to try to get in as good of shape as possible for me before the stem cell transplant.
     I swam this morning the longest that I have this summer.  I usually feel better after the swim.  I have toyed with getting up early on Sunday morning to swim before preaching.  I am not sure if an extra hour of sleep or the swim would be more conducive to feeling stronger.
     Over the years I have said that I never wanted a pool.  When we bought our house four years ago it came with an above-ground pool.  We bought it in April and with the remodeling that we did, the pool took a back seat.   By the time I found the time to clean the pool it was a mess.  I sucked out maybe 1000 little tadpoles.  Why I never wanted a pool was confirmed by the time I got the pool swim ready.
     In God’s providential wisdom maybe He knew that I need a pool.  Because of the surgery for the cancer in my leg I can’t run, ride a bike, etc.  But I can swim.  In some sense the pool that I never wanted may very well be my salvation—physically.  Obviously not spiritually.
     I have been charting some things as I look ahead to the transplant.  Four things in particular: Each day how many laps I swim and my weight.  Then each treatment day my blood pressure and my heart rate. 
     As I look at the chart it is obvious when the weather was warm enough for me to swim.  From that time my weight, blood pressure, and heart rate have declined.  Exercise is vitally important!
     When I started the chemotherapy the doctor said that he didn’t want me to gain weight or lose weight.  I thought a two-pound variance either way would be a good goal.  When I weighed in yesterday at the hospital I was within the variance.
     Things that can be varied help.  The chart verifies by the numbers that I may be doing the best that I can to get in shape.
     It would be nice if there were more concrete verifiers to give us insight into the shape of our spiritual lives.  How many times you go to church, how often we pray, or how often we read the Bible may help, but we can do those things and still be far from God and weak spiritually.  If done with the wrong heart, they may even be counterproductive.
     As much as I want to be in the best shape physically, the most important thing for me is to be in good shape spiritually.  I have tried to stay in the Word and “pray without ceasing” with the realization that God is never far from whatever I am doing throughout the day.
     After the swim I went down to the dock.  I took along a Bible, one that you could hold in your hand.  Like lots of folks in our day I often read the Word on a device mainly because I can make the words large enough to read.
     Though I had to squint to be able to read the words, I audibly read through the book of 1 John.  It has been quite a while since I have done something like that.  I would recommend it to you—both using a Bible you can hold and read, as well as reading out loud. 
     Then I spent as extended time in prayer.
     A dock at Beaver has been my holy ground for close to 15 years.  I can’t explain it, but I know what I sense of the Lord’s Presence.  I hope you have a holy ground where God meets you.   It doesn’t have to be someplace in nature, but I do believe it has to be someplace different than where you normally pray.  It could be outside in the backyard or a different chair than where you usually pray.
     Like Jesus, we need time away from the crowds and the pressures of life to spend time alone with the Father.  The daily times are vital but there must come some moments when we seek His face. 
     Jesus often went to the mountains and prayed all night.  I went to the lake and prayed for a while. 
     When I get up to the all night, I will let you know.   It might be the night before the chemotherapy or the transplant!

     I wrote this blog late on Tuesday evening.  It wasn’t posted until Wednesday.
 
Tuesday, July 11, 2023
     I was contacted today from the Stem Cell Transplant Appointment Coordinator at Mayo Clinic.  I still don’t have specific dates, but I did get some insight into how things may progress.
     Scheduling depends on the doctors’ schedules, availability of tests that will be required, etc.   It is still my hope that the testing will be done the week of August 20th.
     I also learned that they intend to harvest enough stem cells for two transplants, in case the first one doesn’t do what they hope.  The cells will be frozen and can be available for 20 years.
     I did get some unsettling news.  He said the stay in Rochester after the stem cell transplant would be four weeks at a minimum but could be as long as three months.  We obviously hope it is the former.
     I was told that it will take several days before the schedule is completed.
     Today was a full day.  It started early with blood work.  The nurse did more seeking than finding and the place on my arm still hurts as I write this late at night.
     I met with the doctor and then had two infusions.  It was the next to last time that I will have two infusions on the same day prior to the transplant. 
     For some reason being in the cancer unit was difficult for me today.  Because I met with the doctor I was at least an hour later than I have been lately for the treatments.
     I encountered several people today who were struggling with their cancers.  I thought about some of them as the day wore on.  As I pondered during the day, I decided that going forward I would lift those patients to the Lord as I encountered them.  I haven’t done that as much as I should.
     After two hours at the hospital, Teresa and I headed to Taylorsville Lake with four of our five grandkids.  Becca was the spiritual one and stayed home to attend VBS in Cynthiana.
     It was a sweet day to be with them on the lake.  One of them would have slept on the boat—all night.  I told her that maybe her dad might be willing!
     The boat ramp is near the marina where a number of boats are in slips.   There are several houseboats in the row next to the ramp.  Many of them are named.  One of the houseboats is named “Blessed.”
     Blessed.  With all that is going on in my life, I am a blessed man.  If I followed the advice of the old song to count my blessings one by one, it might take quite a long time.
     Your willingness to read these blogs would be on the list.

     I got a haircut this week.  There wasn’t quite as much to cut as there was three months ago.  Some of that is because that has been happening for several years. 
I remember looking at pictures over 25 years ago that had been taken when some young people were baptized.  The pictures were taken from the top step of the baptistry and the pictures captured the faces of the kids.   They also captured how little hair I had on the top of my head.   I had no clue.  I may have been in mourning for several days.
     I was concerned when I started chemotherapy how the treatments would affect my body, including whether I would lose my hair.  Beyond what is happening internally, there have been some changes outwardly.  For a while my fingernails were brittle.  My skin hasn’t healed as quickly as it usually does.  My muscles are weaker.
     And my hair has gotten very fine.  I am not sure if there is a fewer number of hairs or that each hair isn’t nearly as thick as it once was.  I am more than thankful that I haven’t lost my hair during these cycles of chemotherapy.
     One of the results of the large dose of chemotherapy that I will be given prior to the stem cell transplant is that I will lose my hair, what little is left of it.  I can’t say that I am looking forward to that.  When that happens folks will no longer say how good I look.  I will look and feel like a chemotherapy patient.
     There were many consequences when Adam and Eve sinned.  There was a break in their relationship with God, including an alienation from Him.  Sin always alienates us from God.
     There was judgment because of their sin.  The punishment for Adam was that he would struggle with his work.  The punishment for Eve was that she would struggle with her relationships, especially with Adam.  And they were cast out of Paradise.
     Another consequence of their sin is something that we don’t often consider.  Self-awareness.
     After they had sinned they realized that they were naked and covered themselves with leaves. 
     Sometimes self-awareness is a good thing.  Chest pain might lead you to get your heart checked. 
     The problem with self-awareness is that its kin is self-centeredness.  Selfishness and self-centeredness can destroy our relationships.  They could even keep us out of heaven.   For sure they must be dealt with by the power of the Holy Spirit.
     Depending on how long I go into hiding after the stem cell transplant might give you some insight into whether it is self-awareness or self-centeredness that is the controlling factor.
     Between now and then I am looking for some ballcaps that I like!